DISTRIBUTION: Can be found at under my fanfic section. If you want it, please ask first:)
DISCLAIMER: Nothing belongs to me.
FEEDBACK: Craved:)
TIMELINE: After 'Surprise'
NOTES: Song fic to Sarah McLachlan's "Do What You Have To Do".

Dear Angel,

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...

I loved you. And we went through so much. We stood together against the condemnation of the darkness and we loved each other through it all. We fought with each other side by side, and we won battle after battle. I can't tell you how much I love you because my words would fall short of my feelings. My love for you is greater than anything. It's something that I would never have even known if I hadn't met you.

Let me explain. Love is a strong thing. Stronger than everything else. It binds you, binds you to this person that your soul cries out to every time you're apart and yearns for every time you are near. It's a powerful force, mixing up emotions inside of you and sending them surging throughout your body, leaving tingly little sensations in your limbs and in the pit of your stomach.

I loved you so much. And now, you wear the face of a murderer. You stalk me, taunt me, but I refuse to let you see me cry. I fight you, I bicker with you, and every night, I try to kill you. I try. I really do. I try, my Angel. I know that's what you would want me to do.

I hate you. Your words are laced with an anger and rage that I have never seen from you before. I couldn't even picture you being so cruel to me, couldn't even contemplate that you would ever hate me so much. And it hurts. I know it's not you, but it hurts. And I hate you for it.

But yet, I love you. I ache for you, for your touch. Every moment I'm without you it's one moment too much. I hate how our one moment of passion, the one moment that you proved to me in so many different ways how much you love me, that it turned loose a beast. A monster that wears your face. A demon.

You weren't a demon, Angel. Despite what you may think, you weren't a demon.

I'm trying to live my life, to move on, to meet someone new as you would have wanted me to. Although it would have pained you so greatly that words don't even express it, I know you would have wanted me to try and live the life that you wouldn't be able to give me. And I tried. But soon, I realized that it wasn't the same. These people who I attempted to date were never you. And that was their only fault. Their one, great fault which caused disappointment and heartache and caused me to end a date early, go home, and cry myself to sleep.

I still do that. It's been about a month now, and I still cry myself to sleep. It's hard, losing the one you love.

And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize
That I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go

I guess you know that. I know that you're here. I can feel you. I can feel you enveloping me into your love and trying to send me peace. I'm trying to achieve that peace, Angel, I am. But even though I know that you are with me in spirit, you aren't with me in body. You aren't here to physically hold me and aren't here to whisper words of comfort into my ear. You don't let me cry on your shoulder.

I shouldn't be writing this to you. I'm sorry. I love you and I don't blame you for anything. But I still feel this need to vent my frustrations, and lately writing to you seems to be the only way to do it. I'm still deciding whether or not I should give you this diary when you return to me. That is, if you return to me. Willow says I should keep an open, objective mind and look on the bright side.

But I digress.

This diary means a great deal to me. It's every single note that I have written to you ever since your change. If I gave it to you, you'd know everything. My emotions, my fears, and most importantly, my deep love for you that courses through my veins and pumps throughout my body, which seems to be the only thing that keeps me going these days. But I think that if you read this, you would be disappointed in me. Disappointed that I ever even thought to doubt you.

But I do doubt. I don't know if you'll come back to me. I hope, I pray, but yet I am always let down in the end. They are looking for a curse to bring you back, but I'm starting to lose what little hope I had in the first place.

A glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

You are my light, my Angel. You were my heat, the one source of brightness that I had in this dark life that I live. I'm so sad. I'm so broken. I'm shattered between the violence of my world and the hopelessness that is slowly taking over my mind set and saying that I won't get you back, that I should just give up.

But I won't give up. I wouldn't dare try anything stupid. I'm the Slayer, I'm needed in this chaotic place to help diminish the death and destruction that is our world. And maybe someday I will. Maybe I'll accomplish my goal and close the Hellmouth forever.

Or maybe I won't. Maybe I'll die by an unknown vampire, a fledgling, because I was simply too tired to go on. Maybe I'll die and another slayer will be called and it will be as before, only this one will have the common sense not to fall in love with a vampire.

I'm so tired, Angel. All I want to do is lie in your arms and drift off to sleep with you squeezing me tightly against your chest as you did on our one night together, on my birthday. I want to be with you. I want my soul to be forever linked with yours. And although I know on some level that it already is, it just doesn't feel that way if I can't see you, if I can't touch you.

I know that you understand. I love you, my Angel. Please come back to me soon.

Your beloved,
Buffy

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